The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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