When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
