i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
