i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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