last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
