I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
