Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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