i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
