She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
