I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
