I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Sober January is a disaster.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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