I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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