Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
