Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
