it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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