Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
