I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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