She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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