Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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