3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
