"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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