I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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