Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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