It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Is Oprah even human
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
