Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
