He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
