i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We got so high we made milksteak
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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