Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
