Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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