I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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