On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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