like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
