My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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