I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
