oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
