I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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