my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
