haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
whose ass print is on the piano?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
