So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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