I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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