Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
