"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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