fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
