Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
