you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
