he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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