I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
