3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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