I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
