i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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